in search of meaning (spoiler: i found it)

It's been almost a year since I've started this part of my life. This part, from where you know me, and how you know me, as Amber.

Before I was Amber I had a different name. I was new to the industry, a little baby-escort, finding her way as a baby-dear does when it shakily learns to use its legs. Some new phase, exciting, already felt to be my next catalyst for personal growth, the next way to propel me forward in my life. But I didn't really know how to walk safely, and so I found people who I thought would send me only on safe and thoroughly screened paths. Little did I know, and time and experience have taught me that the safest way is to go and see for myself. Alas - luckily, all went well, I had some beautiful experiences and my time at an agency fulfilled what turned out to be its main purpose: it got me secure enough in my own capabilities, and taught me enough about my own wants and visions for myself in this work, to go out into the world standing firmly on my very own legs. This was the start of Amber, and truly the start of this part of my life.

It's in this new life that I've been finding the sense of meaning and profoundness that I had been looking for in so many ways in the past. As a teenager, I tried to find it through studying my courses rigorously, courses that were not naturally suited to me and yet I had chosen - because I thought that if it was harder, it was better. That harder proved my valour and my intellect more profoundly, that it would bring more satisfaction, that I would be happier and more worthy as a human being and a woman. How wrong I was.

Later, as a young adult of around 20 years of age, I tried to find this sense of meaning in my academic/professional life first through even harder work (this proved an utterly unsuccessful endeavour as it led to my first burn-out at age 19), and later by immersing myself fully into the world of Tantra.

For a moment there I thought I found it, yet something quite ungraspable at the time remained just out of reach. I ended up learning, assisting and working in this world for a few years, feeling ever so close to the sense of fulfilment I deeply craved. But it was a struggle too. Financially, it was hard. Emotionally, it was hard too (there's many extremely beautiful and profound things to say about and experience within the vast world and teachings of Tantra - but specifically about the Tantric New Age Spiritual scene, there's a lot of emotionally murky stuff going on as well. But this is a story for another time).

I do believe that I touched some lives through my work then - it was definitely not in vain. But I have to admit that I feel that the level of impact, profoundness, sometimes healing I bring into another person's life (even if for a few hours) has not before felt as true as it does now. I am truly proud of what I do, and believe wholeheartedly in the value that I and my colleagues offer.

For when I leave a rendez-vous I almost always leave with a big smile upon my face, knowing that I have just given someone those things that they needed and craved; feeling connected, heard, seen. Loved sometimes even, between us two and our agreed upon borders of space and time.

Sometimes what is needed is simply a different reality for a moment, yet other times and with another person one needs to be heard in their struggles, feel cared for and supported. Be held as they open up. Other times I'm invited into first experiences, into relationships, or into a generous sharing of a lavish moment in someone's life. But whatever the experience looks like... this is something real.

Xxx

Amber